I LOVE being alone. On average, I spend 96-98% of every week alone. For real. No exaggeration. It’s 96% when I have to go to my mum’s church on Sunday, which I have now scheduled to once every two weeks. It is not 100% because I spend at least an hour (cumulatively) every week talking to my neighbor, Thelma (she’s awesome, saved, but awesome).
I get weird when I am around people, and it took me twenty something years to realize I cannot function properly when I am in the midst of people. I get drained when I am around people for what I consider too long, and my sub-conscious reacts in some weird way that will prompt an escape. I usually end up saying something stupid (it’s usually perverted) so that people get grossed out and I can go home. (I’d rather embarass myself silly and hate myself for it than continue with the charade).
The only friends I have (my mum, John, Julz, and Thelma, plus three girls in my mum’s church who are slowly warming up to me) are the ones who have managed to catch a glimpse beyond the weirdness I put out in public.
But, everytime I am alone I recharge. My odd routines keep me alive; they keep me happy. I feel connected to them, and I know I am safe doing them. As long as I am doing them and inside my bubble, I am safe.
My mum doesn’t like that very much. And it’s funny, because we are exactly the same. She has been in her bubble since the day I knew her, and it’s been an uphill battle trying to let each other in (it’s working though; great strides have been made; I am her official secret keeper!!).
Solitude, being able to hear my own thoughts, talking to myself, making myself laugh, taking care of myself, and enjoying my own company by doing the things I love (football, music, video games, cleaning, organizing, making lists, reading, and economics). That is me; that is the woman I have become.
Avicii (Tim Bergling) died on Friday last week and the world over mourned his loss. If you know me well, then you might know that I have never really warmed up to dance music. Maybe it is because I have never wholeheartedly explored it with the same obsessiveness and veracity that I use on the things that my brain develops interest in. And maybe that is because I have uncanny ability to automatically dislike things/people that seem to be too popular. I usually feel like such things are disingenious despite my lack of interaction with them (I know, I know, I need a psychiatrist. Why do you think I’m writing?)
Yet, somehow, I was moved (normally I would not care, but something moved me when it came to Avicii). Maybe it was the shock of him suddenly dying, or the empathy I felt for the millions of people who genuinely felt gutted by this news.
And then I started reading. I think I just wanted to know what led to his sudden demise, and I am sure that is what everyone else wanted to find out. But, I ended up finding out something much deeper about him that I wish I had known before. Maybe this would have helped me understand and appreciate HIS music just a bit better.
What did I find out exactly?
What the universe and my life experiences have been teaching me these last few years. Avicii stopped touring because he finally figured it out. Some of us are just meant to be in our minds; in our space. That’s where we thrive, that’s where we find happiness, meaning, and fulfilment.
These other external things; these ones that are outside ourselves, all they do is drain us. They cloud our judgment, make us sad, make us feel empty, and make us feel like we are not moving.
His love for music was still strong, but the other things that accompany his level of fame and touring were not him. To quote him, ‘They never came naturally..’ That’s why he decided to stop with the live concerts and go back to the drawing board.
He went back to the basics. Back to the thing that kept him awake at night. Back to his first love; alone in the studio making love to the world through music.
Unfortunately, his attempt to go beyond his own safe place, as short-lived as it was, had some devastating effects on his health. But, he still had some time to go back and do the thing that brought his life meaning, his music.
I am not famous; I doubt I will ever be. I doubt I will ever have to live through endless parties, and irritating conversations, and making music that does not excite my soul.
However, I am going to keep it real like Avicii tried to do. I am going to continue to do only those things that come naturally to me. I refuse to expose myself to environments that drain me or try to quell my weird quirks.I refuse to give up my solitude, and I will only allow those whom I feel connected with to enter.
I really wish I had listened to more of his music earlier; maybe I would have learnt a lot more.
Rest in glory! Cheers to the lessons…