CHRONICLES OF A SELF-CONFESSED LONER – 1

I’m good at many things. Like making myself laugh, washing clothes, watching football, and being alone. I excel at being alone, and find it quite enjoyable.

I’m also apparently really good at writing and singing. These two endeavours have brought a lot of fulfillment into my life.

But, there’s one thing I suck at…

… being close to people.

I can’t count how many people I have ran out of my life because I simply got tired of sharing my time with them. Because I got uncomfortable knowing them further than I already had.

It’s that simple. I just prefer to be alone most of the time, and when people start asking for more of my time, I start to pull away.

It’s like I don’t mind being friends with people just as long as we don’t have to interact more than I find necessary.

That’s just the way I am.

Unfortunately, this has caused a lot of pain for people whose paths I have crossed, for people who genuinely like my company and my weird personality.

I’ve done the same thing to my mummy in the past, pushing her away simply because I prefer being alone.

For the longest time, I was afraid to make friends because I was scared I would only hurt them.

The only friend, other than my mother, that I have been able to maintain till date is John, my best friend.

It’s been a slippery slope with everyone else.

Until recently, I was only making acquaintances and resisting attempts to take it any further because I am all too aware of my main weakness.

And then it happened.

I met a girl, and we became fast friends. Perhaps I believed that I was over my affliction, that now that I was older, I could commit to a friendship that required a lot of my time.

I was so wrong! I’m never growing out of this trait.

We hang out all the time, and soon, it started to eat me up.

I hate phone calls, and every time she called, my heart sunk. It felt like my time alone was being threatened, and this threat had to be neutralised using any means necessary.

True to form, I engineered the end of our friendship by seemingly sabotaging it. And, sabotage I did without even knowing what it was I was doing.

She got hurt I could tell, but, to my surprise, she only backed away slightly.

She didn’t swear that she’ll never talk to me. Rather, she seemed to understand that I needed space, and she gave it to me. She didn’t hate me.

She understood me, and despite my plans to destroy the relationship, she forgave me.

Now we are friends again but with the boundaries firmly imposed, just how I like it.

This experience taught me to woman up and tell people about my affliction rather than just pulling away, and not giving them a reason.

I hope all those people I have hurt before by pulling away from them will one day understand why.

In memory of Margaret Wambui Githendu, a beautiful woman with a lot of love and a lot of vision.

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13 thoughts on “CHRONICLES OF A SELF-CONFESSED LONER – 1”

  1. I’m so glad you finally saw that you were able to have friendships. Boundaries are so important and that’s definitely been something I had struggled with creating in the past. Once they’re in place, you feel so much better.

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  2. It’s important to know who you are and what you want/need out of life, especially in relationships with other people. You’re a step ahead of a lot of people to simply have this level of insight into yourself (cause trust me, it’s easy to talk about insights and point them out to other people but when we have to do it for ourselves it becomes hard work). If more people could learn to accept themselves and others and the differences which may make them able to be friends or not to be friends without blame or assuming that their way is the right way for other people we would be in a much safer, and more relaxed world.

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  3. I truly don’t blame you on the people and loner part. I lean that way more and more these days due to people in general.

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  4. I think, more and more these days, it’s hard to be close to people. It seems people do better communicating on electronics than they do in real life.

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  5. We have similarity you know 😊. Like you, I want to always alone and want to stay at home instead of going out with my friends and kumares. I want to spend my time alone and with my family. I think not to interact with others is not totally bad.

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  6. We have similarity like you I want alone I want to stay home instead of going out with my friends/kumares. They always invite me every time they planning to go out but I always refused because I have kids.

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  7. It’s so hard for people to admit their own mistakes that most of them don’t even take the time to understand how their behaviour impacts the people around them. I consider spending time alone and enjoying it is a form of self-love and a great opportunity to get to know yourself better. It can even improve interpersonal relations, just like in this case.

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  8. I have zero friends. I am estranged from everyone. I am a functioning loner. I know someday I will die alone if I don’t die first, before my husband who puts up with me (so far). Basically, it’s because I am intolerant of everyone and their flaws including my own, and at this point, it is so ingrained I don’t think it can change. I love animals though. It’s the only pure love I experience.

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      1. I don’t apologize. Animals give the only pure love there is, besides any prexisting abuse they have sustained and they are fairly tolerant of that and guess who die tHat to them

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