I, Georgina Wangui aka Kui, have been blessed with the opportunity of having two fathers in my life.
That’s two men who consider me as their daughter, as their blood.
There are two grown men at this instant, whom if and when asked to talk about their kids, I’d be part of that lineup.
One man passed on his genes to me, and the other helped raise me.
There’s no denying that each loves me, and that I belong to both of them.
That kind of makes me feel somewhat special. Not so much, but somewhat.
This blessing of having two fathers also comes with its own set of problems.
They are men, and each has done some pretty shitty things that have been revealed to me as the years go by- things that are akin to betrayal from my perspective.
Like mind-bendingly shitty things!
I think that’s why I am not as excited about having two dads as I should be. It’s like being heartbroken twice; a never ending heartache from men I once held in such high esteem.
But, the most messed up thing is I can’t hate them. I can’t find it in my heart to push them out of my life for the dispeakable things they have done.
I can’t say a bad word to either of them.
I smile every time I am talking to either of them.
I am warm and consumed by this warmth everytime I am in their presence, or just talking to them over the phone.
It’s like in that instant, with each individual, they are just my dads.
There’s no anger towards them, just disappointment that, funnily enough, rarely shows itself whenever I’m communicating with them.
Love is a funny thing.
But, I am disappointed, thoroughly. I wish they hadn’t done the things they did. I wish they hadn’t caused the level of hurt they have on people I care so deeply about, and on myself as well.
I wish they would have been men of honour, and I wouldn’t have to feel conflicted between anger and acceptance.
I’m mad at myself too. I should be angry and let them know their actions have hurt us. I should be demanding for apologies, rather than acting as if everything is okay.
Why am I so complacent in this?
Why am I not giving them the opportunity to taste my disappointment?
Love is indeed a funny thing.
Maybe deep down, I don’t want to believe the things they did.
Or maybe, I’m just empathetic. They have to live with the knowledge of all the wrong things they’ve done, and how life has humbled them time and time again because of these mistakes.
That is pretty haunting! And, maybe that’s our revenge- us, the victims of my fathers’ hurtful actions.
I think that’s enough for me. Knowing that they are not getting away with it, that their peace of mind is altered owing to the hurtful, fucked up things they did, and possibly continue to do.
Yap, that is definitely enough for me.
So, I will continue being nice. I’ll continue loving them to my heart’s full measure.
I will revel in remaining their baby girl because, a) it makes me happy, and b) hopefully, it adds to their torment.
Daddies’ girl 😁😁💖💜💖💜💖💜💖💜💖