Tag Archives: 2019

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN NAIROBI: A SURVIVOR’S STORY

I can’t believe I’m finally ready to write this post.

Shit. Fucking hell.

Here goes.

I was at a funeral last Friday. Another one.

Christ, I’ve seen so many families cry this year. Remember my January posts, this one, this one, and this one?

And, this post I wrote about my friend’s passing?

It’s like every month of this year, someone around me died or lost someone they loved.

The month of May was not spared the touch of death either.

My favourite cousin’s father died this month after a short illness, and our whole extended family traveled upcountry on Friday last week to pay our last respects and lay him to rest.

The funeral service was packed, we couldn’t even get inside the church to listen to the sermon. So many of us had to stand outside and listen to the proceedings from the blaring speakers.

He was a pastor, and you could tell that he had impacted a great number of lives while he was still amongst us. It was truly humbling to see that many people come to pay their last respects to a wonderful man.

My baby brother and I were outside during the service, busy chatting with the wife to one of my other cousins. We were just catching up, making jokes. We’d missed her after months of not being together.

And then, out of the blue, with the conversation between my brother, my cousin’s wife, and I getting funnier and louder, I saw him.

He had just walked into the compound, and he was probably looking for a familiar face when our eyes met.

My heart froze. I just looked at him, into his eyes, willing him, nay, daring him, not to come and say hallo.

He quickly looked away as he walked past us, but, I kept my eyes on him for five more seconds.

I was transfixed. I didn’t want to be the first to look away because a part of me wanted to show him I wasn’t scared any more.

Another part was just trying to comprehend if this really was the man that I remembered from so many years ago.

The other part was just trying to mess with his head. ‘Boy, I see you! Run!’

But, I needed to look away because every extra second was becoming unbearable for the little girl inside.

I was a bit frazzled after that, and I remember telling my brother that I was going outside to look for another family member.

Anything to ensure that I don’t come into any contact with this individual.

I think my baby brother understood immediately because as I started to walk away, he followed suit, leaving my cousin’s wife standing there confused by the abrupt end to our engrossing conversation.

Sorry, T!😥😥😪😪😫😫

She probably thought we were so rude. I did feel slightly guilty for dragging my brother along when I was the one with the problem.

Hope she didn’t think ill of my brother. He was just being a loyal sibling and friend.

For good reason too. He’s the only witness to what I am about to tell you.

Our history with this man I was avoiding now dates back twenty years ago.

Our birth mother had just passed away, and we were living with our aunty, Wahu, and her husband (mum and dad as we now refer to them) in their huge house.

At the time, dad’s ailing grandfather was also staying with them. He was a mean old man, but my brother and I (mostly me because I was the cheeky one) always found a way to make him laugh.

Owing to his age, and his deteriorating health, he needed a constant caregiver. We too needed a minder because we were still young, and our adopted parents had full time jobs.

Their youngest son, Sam, had just joined med school, so he wasn’t available to look after the three of us.

That’s when mum made the fateful decision to hire extra help from upcountry. One of dad’s relatives was struggling with school fees for his young kids, so mum decided to hire their eldest son in the hopes that he could use part of his earnings to educate his younger siblings.

He was a teenager when he came to work for the family. I think he was in his late teens at that time.

It worked out well for the first few weeks, if I remember correctly. My grandfather was happy with the arrangement because this was someone he knew, someone he could trust, and definitely someone he could order around (my granddad loved ordering everyone around).

My mum was happy because now there was someone to take care of the old man, my baby brother and I, the house and the yard.

Everyone was seemingly covered, and life became manageable again for my adoptive parents.

But, things weren’t so rosy if you peeked below the surface.

After he had acclamatized to his new surroundings, the nightmare began.

My mind has successfully blocked out most memories from this time, but this is what I do remember;

– the taste of his mouth from him forcefully kissing me whenever he’d find me alone in some part of the house

– screaming myself hoarse and wondering why no one could hear me everytime he’d pin me on my back and mess with my privates until it hurt (usually happened on Saturday mornings- we were home from school, and the house was usually empty)

– how painful it was to take a piss after he’d touch me down there

– my baby brother’s confused and scared look when he’d heard me screaming one time from our room only to run and find me pinned to my back, kicking and screaming, with the houseboy forcibly fondling me (He stopped when he noticed my brother was at the door)

– him twisting my wrists painfully or squeezing my hands everytime that I tried to resist him, or I refused to do as he said (like touch him down there, I was not a fan)

– I remember endlessly kicking him, punching him, scratching him, trying to get him away from me, and he would be smiling and laughing all the while as he held both my hands together tight with his one hand, use his free hand to abuse me, and use his lower body to keep my legs still.

To stop me from screaming, he would be suffocating me with his mouth (his idea of kissing)

– I remember how tired I would feel after every encounter, and how sore my wrists, my hands, my arms, my privates, and my legs would feel. My head would also ache from the screaming and the crying

– I also remember how stupidly defiant I was. I would insult and berate him (with the little English and Swahili I could master back then) after every episode knowing full well he was going to come after me again.

I would fight, and I think that’s where my violent streak comes from (Don’t worry, I’m much calmer now).

This is just the gist of the abuse that probably started in 1999/2000 and ended in 2001, to the best of my recollection.

There was never any penetration. Not that I can remember. I don’t think my mind would have been able to block that out.

I never told my mum. I never told my elder brother. I never told my best friend. I never told a soul until now as I narrate to you what I went through.

I don’t know what, if anything, my baby brother remembers but he must know something. We talk about everything else in our past except those two years this man was living with us.

If I remember correctly, the man left as soon as or slightly before my grandfather died. I was in class five, quiet, withdrawn, and yet highly attention-seeking when I was out of his reach. I think I just wanted someone to ask me what’s wrong.

No one ever did.

When it hit me that he wasn’t in our lives anymore, it’s like I awoke from a deep sleep.

I remember I started making friends in school. I began to actually focus on schoolwork and getting better grades. Like better grades to a point that I started receiving academic awards in class 6 and beyond.

Before that, my grades were sucky, and I would get into my fair share of trouble with my class teachers, Mrs Okumu (class 3) and Mr Nyambu (class 4).

I was exhibiting behavioural issues at this time that no one really latched onto.

But, now that he was gone, I was a whole new girl. Making friends became easier. My studies became easier. I was finally able to flourish.

I pushed the memories of that time down so deep, and for years, I couldn’t allow myself to think about it.

Then I started writing this blog, and I began to see how events in my childhood had almost messed me up completely.

And, I began to realise the power and the healing that comes from writing about them, not so much for people to read, but for me to acknowledge my pain, and to be open and naked enough to show others where the wounds were.

It was easier to talk about my mother’s suicide, my father’s abandoning us, my dalliance with depression, drugs, and sex in my previous posts than it was talking about the sexual abuse.

But, I knew one day, I’d have to. It’s part of the journey in shaping my own narrative devoid of the horrific things that happened to me, to us, when my brother and I were kids.

Yap, that’s it!

In memory of the little girl I was before this, and in solidarity with the millions of children abused in our country, Kenya.

💜♥️💖💜♥️💖💜♥️💖💜♥️💖

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EPIC FOOTBALL NIGHTS-MAY 2019

There are some nights that live with you forever!

I’ve had three of those nights back to back. What makes these nights even more special is that I just turned 28 at the beginning of last week.

It’s been a beautiful week thanks to amazing football comebacks and feats that nearly everyone couldn’t imagine possible.

Liverpool vs Barcelona

Going into this match, we all thought that it would be a walkover for Barcelona. I mean the first leg of this draw was an absolute disaster for Liverpool, losing 3-0 to perhaps the greatest team of all time.

There was no coming back for Liverpool on this one. They had to know the situation was utterly hopeless as the game drew nearer. They just had to.

But, these, ladies and gentlemen, are mad men. They don’t understand the meaning of impossible.

And, there’s a saying about mad men getting to do the impossible.

This entire team is full of mad men. They dared to dream, they dared to fight, they dared to stare down this monumental obstacle that was on their path to Champions League glory, and overcome it.

You have to understand the gravity of the situation they found themselves in on the night of 7th May 2019.

I’ve already told you that they went into the match with a 3-0 disadvantage.

Barcelona had all of their star players fit and ready to slaughter the Reds. Messi, one of the main contenders of the GOAT title, showed up, ready to blow us away with his outer worldly skills.

Remember, he scored two of the three Barcelona goals in the first leg of this semi final draw. He was coming to finish the job, no doubt about that!

Coutinho and Suarez, two former Liverpool greats, were also in the Barca line-up.

Things weren’t looking so optimistic on the Liverpool side. Roberto Firminio, the man with the amazing teeth wasn’t going to play.

To make everything worse, neither was Salah! Salah, the man who almost singlehandedly brought life into a fading Liverpool team last season.

The man who almost led them to Champions League glory last year, but bad boy Sergio Ramos had other nefarious intentions.

Yes. That man, the Liverpool talisman, the gods’ gift to Premier League football would not be there to try and undo the damage done to his team in the first leg.

To make this entire situation absolutely soul crushing for Liverpool, they were and still are neck to neck with Manchester City for the Premier League title.

That means they’ve been working overtime just to stay on top.

Meanwhile, Barcelona had already won their domestic title, and had the weekend to relax.

No one was giving Liverpool time off to relax.

But, despite all of these seemingly insurmountable odds, Liverpool did it.

They won the chance to go to the final by defeating THE Barcelona, 4-3 on aggregate score.

They destroyed Barcelona in a way we haven’t seen it done before. It was truly orgasmic to watch.

My men of the match: Trent Alexander Arnold, Divock Origi, Virgil van Dijk, Alisson Becker and my namesake, Georginio Wijnaldum.

If there has ever been a real live football super sub in recent history, it has to be that man, Georginio (my namesake 😁😁).

And that corner kick from Trent Alexander the Arnold is an absolute masterclass from such a young player. And, let’s not forget all of the times that he stole possession from Barca players including and especially Jodi Alba.

Van Dijk is on this list because a) he gave his all in the night of question, the same way he does every night, and

b) he is soooooooooo hot. If my boyfriend and I don’t work out, I might just give Virgil a call, and see where this thing can go.

Becker made some incredible saves and kept Liverpool’s hopes alive.

And, of course Origi! Those two goals were simply sublime. And, he has Kenyan blood, so there is that.

I can’t wait to see them topple Tottenham in the final on June 1st. That is going to be another epic night.

And, I can’t wait to see Liverpool take the Premier League as well. They deserve it!

On to the next amazing night…

Tottenham vs Ajax

After that exhilarating performance by Liverpool on 7th, I was content with the level of football action I had received. I couldn’t ask for more. That would have just been selfish of me.

But, alas, the football gods must have been feeling pretty benevolent this particular week.

Tottenham managed to make a second half comeback that transformed them from underdogs to Champions League finalists.

One man Lucas Moura truly stood out in that game. He scored a hatrick within the last 41 minutes of the game to take his team to the final.

Guess you can say he’s a 41-minute type of man (a bit too long for me but I could work with it 😉😉😉).

I know, I’m nasty. Moving along swiftly…

Imagine that!

They were already three goals down by the start of the second half. There was nowhere but down for them.

And then, here comes Moura scoring a brace in less than four minutes, and adding to his night tally right at stoppage time.

Wow! If that isn’t exhilaratingly orgasmic, I don’t know what is!

Thank you Spurs for making my Wednesday night one to remember for ages to come.

I’m so proud of Moura, so so so so proud!

And now to a team that is truly close to my heart… Arsenal.

Arsenal Vs Valencia

I won’t sugarcoat it. Arsenal have been sucking balls these last few weeks. We had every opportunity to stamp our dominance in the top 4 this season, but we squandered them away, like we usually do.

But, there is hope.

We are through to the Europa finals thanks to Aubameyang’s life saving hat trick, and Lacazette’s solitary goal.

I feel like it’s been so long since we had such an amazing performance from my team. I am glad that we still got it.

And, this means we still get to go to Champions League next season, despite finishing number five on the table. Yaaaaaaaay for us!

Yeah…so I’m a pretty happy girl now! I turned 28, and the gods decided to gift me with 3 incredible football performances that absolutely blew my mind.

Cheers to many more great football nights this year, and for the rest of our lives.

HI 28!! IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU💜💖💜💖💜💖💜

I just celebrated my 28th birthday, and it was all sorts of a blast!

Gosh, 28! I had no idea I could grow so old.

28 feels old, but in a good way. Like rustic old, that’s definitely a good thing.

There’s a sense of peace with being 28. At least for me there is.

I am no longer the jumpy little girl of yester years.

Okay, I still am, but, now, that jumpy little girl also has a sense of responsibility for the people around her.

My spirit accepts this responsibility wholeheartedly, and this acceptance gives me peace.

For the first time in a long time, I know exactly where I am going, and I don’t have to sacrifice the people that hold me dear in order to get there.

I have finally figured out how to give myself to others, and still work on myself financially, emotionally, and mentally without feeling strained or having to sacrifice one aspect of my life at the altars of the others.

It’s a beautiful feeling, and I hope this state of being continues throughout my life; adjusting where necessary, but, ultimately always being able to meaningfully balance between work and family.

If I can hold it together like this for the next decade, I might finally be ready for a child.

That’s a scary thought. Children. From my womb, nonetheless.

Wow! I don’t know if I’ll ever mentally get to that point where I declare that I am ready for kids.

I don’t think my vagina wants me to ever be mentally prepared for that.

Maybe as the years continue to pass by, I’ll become more mature about child-bearing and child rearing. Maybe. Just maybe.

In the meantime, I’ll just focus on being more empathetic and loving towards my mother, my fathers, my brothers, my nephews, and the man whose love has ignited a passion inside me, it could consume me whole without me ever realising it.

These people are my responsibilities, and I accept them wholeheartedly.

Don’t worry, I won’t forget to take care of myself, I promise.

Perhaps as the year goes on, I can accommodate others into my little love circle; hopefully get out of my cocoon more often.

We’ll see how that goes.

I will also endeavour to be a better Arsenal fan. I’ve been improving lately; no more cussing out at the players, just enjoying the games win or lose.

Speaking of Arsenal, although in no way related, did you catch Tuesday’s amazing Champions League game between Liverpool and Barcelona?

Who knew that Liverpool had the cahoonas to overturn Barca’s goal advantage, and completely destroy them in less than 90 minutes.

Absolutely no one expected this from the underdogs. I don’t think Barca had ever even considered a defeat at this stage to Liverpool, after securing a three goal advantage in the first leg, a possibility.

It wasn’t meant to happen but it did, and that’s what makes soccer, nay Liverpool, so damn orgasmic!

Jesus!!!!!

A big shout out to my namesake (I wish) Georginio, Wijnaldum, Mane, and Alexander Arnold.

These guys made me so proud Tuesday night. If they could defeat Barca with so resoundingly, then nothing that I want for my life is impossible. Nothing at all!!

Still talking about Arsenal, although we still aren’t, kudos to Hotspur’s Lucas Moura for his incredible performance last night. He singlehandedly took his team to the finals on a night where everything was stacked against them.

Beautiful football! Beautiful moments that will last a lifetime.

Love, and kisses from this bombshell May baby. 💜💖💜💖💜💖