Tag Archives: best friend

CHRONICLES OF A SELF-CONFESSED LONER – 1

I’m good at many things. Like making myself laugh, washing clothes, watching football, and being alone. I excel at being alone, and find it quite enjoyable.

I’m also apparently really good at writing and singing. These two endeavours have brought a lot of fulfillment into my life.

But, there’s one thing I suck at…

… being close to people.

I can’t count how many people I have ran out of my life because I simply got tired of sharing my time with them. Because I got uncomfortable knowing them further than I already had.

It’s that simple. I just prefer to be alone most of the time, and when people start asking for more of my time, I start to pull away.

It’s like I don’t mind being friends with people just as long as we don’t have to interact more than I find necessary.

That’s just the way I am.

Unfortunately, this has caused a lot of pain for people whose paths I have crossed, for people who genuinely like my company and my weird personality.

I’ve done the same thing to my mummy in the past, pushing her away simply because I prefer being alone.

For the longest time, I was afraid to make friends because I was scared I would only hurt them.

The only friend, other than my mother, that I have been able to maintain till date is John, my best friend.

It’s been a slippery slope with everyone else.

Until recently, I was only making acquaintances and resisting attempts to take it any further because I am all too aware of my main weakness.

And then it happened.

I met a girl, and we became fast friends. Perhaps I believed that I was over my affliction, that now that I was older, I could commit to a friendship that required a lot of my time.

I was so wrong! I’m never growing out of this trait.

We hang out all the time, and soon, it started to eat me up.

I hate phone calls, and every time she called, my heart sunk. It felt like my time alone was being threatened, and this threat had to be neutralised using any means necessary.

True to form, I engineered the end of our friendship by seemingly sabotaging it. And, sabotage I did without even knowing what it was I was doing.

She got hurt I could tell, but, to my surprise, she only backed away slightly.

She didn’t swear that she’ll never talk to me. Rather, she seemed to understand that I needed space, and she gave it to me. She didn’t hate me.

She understood me, and despite my plans to destroy the relationship, she forgave me.

Now we are friends again but with the boundaries firmly imposed, just how I like it.

This experience taught me to woman up and tell people about my affliction rather than just pulling away, and not giving them a reason.

I hope all those people I have hurt before by pulling away from them will one day understand why.

In memory of Margaret Wambui Githendu, a beautiful woman with a lot of love and a lot of vision.

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THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I LEARNT IN 2018

2018… it’s almost done, y’all, and I’m still here…. yaaaaaaaay!!

It’s been an interesting year for me, full of challenges, intrigues, and mysteries (psyche! My life isn’t that interesting).

I have had fun living this year, and I can honestly say that for most days in 2018, I lived my life with intention, I followed my passions (baby steps), and I remained true to myself.

For most days….

I think my biggest achievement this year was being able to prioritize my loved ones despite how crazy busy my schedule got, or I wanted it to get. I managed to do this by completely turning my life upside down (😮😮😮) in order to accommodate the people who mean the absolute world to me.

Okay, maybe I’m being a tad dramatic as all I did was relocate from the capital city to upcountry (in order to help my mum manage her farm- she’s getting old and she can’t keep traveling to and from the city in order to oversee farm activity) where I spend most of my weekdays.

On the weekends, I travel back to the capital city in order to take my darling nephews to church every Sunday (I’m a Sunday School teacher, and a deacon, remember?), and to spend time with my best friend, John.

My new lifestyle took a lot of adjusting, but, honestly it’s been worth it. I feel whole now as opposed to how I felt at the beginning of the year. The depth of my relationships with my loved ones has increased, and all I had to do was just be there, be present.

Take my mum, for instance, we’ve become absolutely inseparable since I moved to the farm, (and began to spend weekends with her in the capital city).

Before I moved, I had no idea how much her age and deteriorating health (she’s a 70 year old with high blood pressure and diabetes) was affecting her life and her mobility. Don’t get me wrong, she can still move around and stuff, but she has so many things to manage, and it’s becoming very taxing for her.

She’s also quite forgetful nowadays, and her eyesight and hearing have had better days.

There’s also the loneliness bit of it. Aging can be lonely, that’s for sure!

I would have never known the challenges my mum was facing if I hadn’t stepped out of my self-centric comfort zone.

But, I am so glad that I have gotten the opportunity to make her life, in her old age, much easier, more comfortable, and more enjoyable.

She relies on me so much nowadays (including mentally and emotionally), and it’s an absolute honour for me. This beautiful lady has sacrificed everything for my brothers and I to be where we are today- and, I am glad that I am physically close enough to her to be able to give back to her every single day in all the ways that I can 💖💖💖.

I can say the same thing about my relationships with my brothers and my best friend. My bonds with these boys is considerably stronger than they were a year ago.

I’m here when they need me, and they know that- what a spectacular feeling!!

Here’s a pic of me, two of my brothers, and my nephews.

The quality of my life has also dramatically improved- I can’t compare to how I was when I was living alone. Don’t get me wrong, living alone was immensely fun mainly because

– I like being alone most of the time (my company is that awesome),

– I am a workaholic (it’s not a good thing)

– I don’t like sharing my time (refer to the first point)

– I love routines. I am sure I have told you this before, but I absolutely love routines. Living alone meant that I could follow and enforce my own routines without anyone judging me or interrupting me

– My apartment was my sex pad, and I could dictate my sex calendar (so liberating)

BUT….

………it was still empty. Why? Because I wasn’t paying attention to the people that matter, people that actually yearn for my presence i.e. my mother, my best friend, my father, my nephews and my brothers (in that specific order).

My spirit wasn’t at peace knowing that I wasn’t giving the very best of myself to the people who have loved me through EVERY stage of my life.

There’s something very selfish about spending all of your time alone when there are people that love you and would love to share some of your time. I have been selfish for a very long while.

This by the way is my biggest weakness when it comes to relationships (familial, sexual, or romantic)- I just don’t like sharing my time with others (probably why I am still single)

But, I realize now that this is not the way to live. Something about the way I lived my life had to change in order for me to be the best daughter, the best sister, the best aunty, and the best best friend that I could possibly be.

That something involved relocating upcountry and traveling to the capital every weekend (it’s only 1 1/2 hours away).

The best part is: I was able to purchase a parcel of land just right next to my mum’s!!!😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

My biggest lesson learnt in 2018 has brought with it an abundance of blessings, and I am truly happy that I chose this path.

I have found fulfilment in sharing my time with the people I love; I have found balance; I have found purpose 💖💓💖💓💖

And, you can too.. don’t wait until it’s too late!