When the news of Sharon Otieno’s death broke two months ago, the whole country froze! It was all any of us could talk or think about for the many weeks that followed.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. My parents were accompanying me to Komarock to see a parcel of land (because in my father’s eyes I’m still a baby who can’t be trusted to make big decisions- there’s also the small matter of him being a licensed land surveyor making him much more experienced in these matters than I will ever be).
In the car with us were two other friendly surveyors from the company selling the land, and the news of Sharon’s death was all we talked about to and from Komarock. The details were still sketchy but they spread like wildfire on social media, giving us a lot of material to discuss.
Her death continued to make headlines throughout October as the prime suspects were arraigned in court.
Why has her death been so captivating?
– It was the way she was murdered- it was beyond macabre; the gory details of the murder of this young woman seemed to be straight out of a horror movie script
– it was the fact that she was pregnant- 7 months no less; (FYI in Swahili, an unborn baby is known as kilenge; I just thought you should know)
– it was the fact that there were stab wounds on the foetus’ body. This is just another level of inhuman.
– and it was also because of who was implicated in the murder- a sitting governor! The father of the baby she was carrying!
That man was granted bail a few days ago after spending a month in jail. On that day, there was a jubilant crowd of his home supporters outside the court room ready to embrace their son. (Can I just point out that many of those supporters eagerly awaiting his release on bail were women- talk about being our own worst enemy, ladies..)
I did not see a crowd full of the slain woman’s family’s supporters. There were no placards demanding justice for Sharon and her late child.
The main suspect, was out. He was happy; he was relaxed.
He gets to hug his family members. That must be a relief.
I don’t understand why his wife is still with him, though- I hope I never have that level of ‘grace’.
Plus, I don’t envy her at all, woi; I wouldn’t want to sleep in the same room with such a man.
Let’s put this into perspective- your husband is accused of murdering a girl, his lover to be precise. She is young enough to be your daughter, and it turns out she was seven months pregnant, with his child, no less.
How are you supposed to be even in the same house with such an alleged monster, leave alone let him lie next to you for an entire night? What level of sanity are you required to have mastered in order to even stand to look at him…to hear him speak as if everything is normal, and that everything in the news is a bunch of hogwash?
I just can’t!
And her kids! Her kids! Jesus, they must be traumatized by their father’s alleged actions. They are probably not getting over this soon. (I am trying to put myself in their shoes-hopefully, they are good, sane kids. On the other hand, they could be horrible, entitled kids for all we know, and they are sleeping very well at night, their mother too).
He gets to resume his duty as governor because in our Constitution, you are not guilty until you are proven so by a court of law.
So guess what Migori?! You have an alleged murderer, and a confirmed sexual predator preying on young women in your universities as your county leader- you guys must have won some raffle!!!
I wonder how the murder, the investigations, the arrests have affected business and investments in Migori county. That would be a super interesting case study on why having an alleged criminal as your county governor is bad for business. Maybe then Kenyans will learn to choose leaders of good character (a girl can hope).
Okay, back to the story.
So, he has been set free on bail, and I expect he is going to move on with his life, and to do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, to put this matter to rest (including appearing in a local church unannounced; because PR is important even when facing murder charges).
He is a powerful man, and powerful men have the means to make things happen.
Everyone is going to move on with their lives.
Everyone except Sharon….
Except her unborn baby (her kilenge)…
Except her living kids…
Except her mother and father…
I dare say that even her former husband is not going to move on from this treacherous ordeal.
This is a sad story but one that is full of lessons for everyone that it has touched.
I think the biggest lesson I have learned from this deadly love affair is one on the power dynamics of sponsor-sponsee relationships.
It is quite obvious that in such relationships, the sponsor is the one with the power, and he/she can use any means necessary to make you do as he pleases.
There is no love; they just like the fact that they can control you.
There’s no equality here, your only value is providing pleasure, mainly of the sexual kind (which is also the best kind FYI especially if there is no power play involved).
They are also deriving pleasure from how easily they can control you mentally, emotionally, and physically.
There is even no semblance of respect; you are a mere tool that he/she can discard once your purpose is done, or once you begin to appear like you are becoming a threat.
Woe unto you if you think you even have a chance to wrestle this power from him/her.
That’s when you become a threat. At this point, you need to be neutralised.
From my understanding of the case, Sharon thought that she could control her sponsor and make him do her bidding. She completely overestimated her position in this arrangement. This was her fatal mistake.
DO NOT make the same one.
Another critical lesson closely tied to the one above is that you shouldn’t try to outsmart or trap your sponsor.
These individuals are significantly older than you, almost twice or thrice your age. How in the world do you think you can outsmart them, or try to trap them?
These people have lived. They know all the rules of the game, and they already know every move your naive self will make even before you think of making it.
Don’t go playing mental games with these people because they will mess you up. Stick to your lane, sponsee, and only play such games with your agemates (although this might end in disaster as well, so it’s just best to avoid setting traps for any individual you are sleeping with just to be on the safe side).
These are not individuals to have children with- you are not trapping your sponsor, you’re trapping yourself- to a lifetime of fights, disrespect, shame, and money problems (the same ones you were trying to avoid by trying to baby trap someone).
Final lesson- Never get in too deep with these individuals. You need to leave some wiggle room so that when shit hits the fan, and it will eventually, you can flee unscathed.
That means no kids.
That means keeping crucial information about yourself secret from your blesser so that they can’t use such information against you.
That also means not participating in any illegal business with your blesser. You are only there to exchange your sexual goodies for monetary ones; not try your luck at being a crime lord.
If you are already in the mix, be careful. Your sponsor can just as easily throw you under the bus when you guys are finally caught. Woe unto you if you had been the face of the operations. You, my friend, are in shit because the only one paying penance is you, you gullible fool!
I don’t think there’s a happy ending in a sponsor/sponsee relationship. The dynamics of such relationships make them too cumbersome and dangerous to be appealing to anyone, and yet so many of us, just like Sharon, are falling into this trap head first.
It’s just best to avoid these kinds of arrangements. Period.
Only greed and blind ambition can drive you to invite all of this unnecessary drama of super old, super creepy, super dangerous, and let’s not forget, utterly demeaning sex into your life.
Simply living within your means will save you a world of trouble.
But, if you must have a sponsor (because your greed is beyond your control, and you are only thinking short term), you have to realize you are only a service provider, there’s absolutely nothing special about you.
This is a business like every other. Provide the service, receive your payment, and wait for the next time your services will be required. Never let it get to your head if you want to keep your head, you feel me?
Parting Shot:- Know your place, sponsee, know your place.